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sin." To separate the person from their behavior enables us to to retain fond memories of the relationship of mutual respect and caring, whilst isolating the act of abuse, the act that alienated us. Based on a relationship of love, we now seek to forgive the person for their evil act.
Unfortunately forgiveness has common connotations with condoning the act. We are also told to forgive and forget. This is impossible. Acceptance and forgiveness do not mean condoning the act. Nor can we forget the past. All we can do is prevent it having a deleterious impact on our future.
Forgiveness firstly means asking what exactly we must forgive. And this requires an objective as possible exploration of the act and its consequences on ourselves. Has it warped our image of ourselves and our life.The healing process after a misdeed by another necessitates us exploring its impact on our self-esteem and attitude to life and to others. That is our task.
Then comes the approach to the perpetrator for the purposes of extension of our forgiveness for their evil act (The Urantia Book provides guidelines on how to approach the perpetrator on p. 1762). This step requires awareness on the victims part that there is usually a magnitude gap between perpetrators and victims.
Perpetrators see the effect of what they do as smaller in scope, importance, and severity than do victims. A violent and repressive event tends to recede into the past much faster for the perpetrator than for the victim. For the perpetrator it may quickly become ancient history whereas the victim may see it as crucial for understanding the present.
Consequently, where the victim experiences in initial sense of relief in forgiving the perpetrator, this is often followed by anger as they discover that the two parties view the event quite differently. Perpetrators see it as being in the past and have the desire to be forgiven so they can forget. The forgiveness by the victim frees them. Conversely, the victim often sees the evil act as having a continuing effect, still causing anger, and still interfering with their ability to enjoy life.
Does this anger with the perpetrator signify the victim has not really forgiven? I believe not. However, it will reduce the likelihood of reconciliation between the parties.
It is commonly believed that forgiveness also means resumption of a relationship due to the forgive and forget adage. To forgive is freeing, but to reconcile with another requires that they truly accept our forgiveness. This now is a relationship issue, dependent upon the perpetrator first acknowledging the evil and its impact upon the victim.
Reconciliation based on acceptance of forgiveness means acknowledgment of the wrong-doing and its impact on the other. The next challenge is reparation. Can the perpetrator help the victim? Normally the fact of making the offer is sufficient. But should the victim view reparation as "making them suffer" then what they are seeking is vengeance and they have not forgiven.
On the other hand, the perpetrator may see the reparation as punitive, which means that they have not understood the extent of their evil action on their victim. In accepting forgiveness they have not appreciated what the victim was offering.
Often the reparation phase is approached by society as a striving to undo the damage, a restoration of the status of the victim to that of the pre-evil act. Where material loss was incurred, this may be achievable--all that is required is to repay the loss to the victim. However, the victim will often state that it is not the money they seek but their restoration of faith in humanity and perhaps the perpetrator. Hence the "evil act" tends to be the focal point for society and the perpetrator, whereas its consequences are the focus for the victim.
In those instances where the victim suffers loss of health or even life, as a society we are faced with a dilemma which we usually try to solve with monetary reparation. Although this may bring some relief for the perpetrator it definitely does not for the victim and usually causes even more trauma.
Although I can draw attention to some of these problems, real solutions are in the hands of the victims and perpetrators. The process of forgiveness and reparation can only lie within themselves--and it is in their hearts that, thanks to the mediation of the Spirit of Truth, a real solution can be found.
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