EMPATHETIC PROBLEM SOLVING:
AGREEMENTS

Buk and Arlene Weimer
IC05

 

1^st Agreement:  The Rules of the Game:

a.     Time & place.

b.     Respectfulness and non-judgmental.

c.     To separate when angry, agreeing to return to discussion when both of you are calm (see handout: "Dealing with Anger and Forgiveness")

d.     Focus on one problem at a time.

 

2nd Agreement:  Empathetic Communications:

a.      "Seek first to understand the other person." - Stephen Covey.

b.      Who speaks first?

c.      Speaker uses "I" messages - "I think, I feel, I need." ("You" messages imply blame and usually results in fear, shame, and/or anger.)

d.      "Listener" remains silent with an attentive quiet mind.  No interruptions.

e.      When the speaker is finished, "listener" restates speakers' message to the speakers satisfaction.  If the speaker is not satisfied, repeat c,d, & e above until Speaker is satisfied that the "listener" is able to verbalize the message; before moving on.

 

3^rd Agreement:  Reverse roles. 

a.      ".then seek to be understood." - Stephen Covey

b.      Repeat Agreement #2.

 

4^th Agreement:  Negotiate a win/win "Our Way":

a.     Brainstorm solutions without "putting down" the other persons' suggestion.

b.     Each must make at least one concession.

c.     Agree on one solution accepted by both (not "power-over" but "power-sharing").

 

SUGGESTED CONFLICTS

 

Select One Conflict & Choose Opposite Positions

 

1.      Money = too controlled, too little control.

2.      Household Chores = too many, too few.

3.      Sex = too often, not often enough.

4.      Shared Feelings = too much, too little.

5.      Agreements = too rigid, too loose.

6.      Disciplining Children = too easy, too hard.

7.      Drugs & Alcohol = too often, not often enough.

8.      Opposite Gender Friendships = too many, not enough.

9.      Time Together = too much, not enough.

10.  Visiting Relatives = too long, not long enough.